It is impossible to avoid reflecting on my life with Uzma as I work on the book proposal for Left Boob Gone Rogue: My Life With Breast Cancer. Many years ago, my first and only proposal — not a book proposal — was when I asked Uzma to if she would marry me.
I was nervous. I couldn’t believe I was doing it. Not just popping the big question. But taking the risk to propose to a woman who was beautiful, smart, and a go-getter. Also, her national and faith background would make it an exciting journey, were she to say yes. Well, you’ all know what happened. She said yes.
I am a complete novice about the book business and have never written a book proposal before. This should be easier than that long-ago proposal. Because Uzma is by my side. I am not writing this alone. The book is already in print. Yet, writing this proposal is hard because it needs to include a competitive analysis of other cancer memoirs. I have avoided reading cancer memoirs since Uzma got diagnosed in 2013. I felt no emotional need to read them while bearing witness to Uzma’s cancer journey.
So I finally read a couple. I was right to not read them before. Yet, strange as it feels to say this while steeped in sorrow and in a puddle of tears — I feel lucky!
Artists and poets are better at expressing emotions because they are better at listening to the feelings that we hide behind our words, faces, and body language. Uzma, an artist and a poet, from whom none of my emotions, whether good, bad, or ugly, were hidden, loved me for the rest of her life. I feel lucky!
We blame social media for many ills — from increasing our isolation to making keeping up with the Joneses harder than ever. Uzma showed me from up close to how social media can be for a force for good, helping us build new relationships and strengthen old ones. I feel lucky!
It’s not easy to be a Pakistani woman marrying an Indian man. It’s even harder to be a Muslim woman and choose an interfaith marriage. Uzma ignored the imagined boundaries of nations and faiths and loved me for the rest of her life. I feel lucky!
At this moment in time, I don’t see how I will ever overcome the grief of her loss. She showed me how to love deeply, even if it hurts. Such an incredibly smart, beautiful, and loving woman accepted my proposal and chose me as the love of her life many years ago. Even in the depths of my sorrow, I feel lucky!
There are many challenges ahead. Raising resilient kids alone after such an ominous loss is the biggest one. There are many challenges ahead. Raising resilient kids alone after such a grim loss is the biggest one. But today, as I complete our — Uzma and mine — joint proposal and prepare to click ‘send,’ I feel lucky! And grateful. And hopeful.
A minimally different version of this post was published first on March 25, 2019, on Left Boob Gone Rogue at www.UzmaMD.com. The creator of that blog was my late wife, Uzma Yunus, MD. Her blog is about finding inspiration and humor in the breast cancer experience. Its themes are love, life, loss, and resilience in the face of one’s mortality. She wrote and published a book named after her blog, “Left Boob Gone Rogue: My Life With Breast Cancer.” It is available as both paperback and Kindle edition on Amazon
